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Finding Your First Play Partner

Updated: Jun 23, 2020

The most common question I get asked is "how do I find a play partner?". Understandably, in the BDSM space people can be extra eager to make that first connection. This is especially true considering it might have taken years or even decades to truly understand ones unique sexuality. As tempting as it is to run before we walk, it is critical to be deliberate in the steps we take or we could end up tarnishing our reputation or worse, finding ourselves in a dangerous situation.

The single most important thing that people new to the BDSM community can do is to make friends. Often prospective partners will want to vet a potential play partner by talking to their past partners or their friends for a character reference. Furthermore, making friends can help you find potential partners because friends have other friends and might want to play match maker.

The second thing that you can do is work on your experience level. At this point, you might be saying "how can I get experience without a play partner?" and the answer is simple. You can go to classes, watch instructional videos, hire a coach, and even practice with friends (and yes bottoms can work on skills too). Just be sure that if you ask a friend to practice you are negotiating clearly. Also, try not to get carried away thinking now you two are automatically play partners. It can happen but the surest way to muck it up is by assuming and disrespecting clearly stated boundaries.

So as eager as you may be to get started, work on building your network of friends and building your skills. This will give you an opportunity to build your level of attractiveness. As you become a potential play partner be prepared to be vetted and to vet people that seem interesting. If you think hiring a coach to help speed things up might be right for you, call or text Sir Ezra or Queen Ana at (737) Sir-Ezra (747-3972) or use the contact form on the main page.


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